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Inside A Man on the Outside

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I'm Back Feb. 14th, 2007 @ 12:40 am
Oh my jesus christ.  Yes those were my exact words just now. Why? I dont know... Well just wanted to say Allo to all of you reading or not reading.  Haven't been on here since... May 19th 2004. So what has been going on... Nothing..

So how has life been? Great I guess... if you can count all of the self centric egotistical people in my life these day.  The drury of a day by day agonizing drain of life I have. Yes the very emo, whiny penting and ranting of Drew is deffinitly back.  But what else is new. There has been alot that has happened since we last talked... ALot.... and I'm still lost within an absolute run around of disproportined love and affection from an emptiness or void yet to be filled.  

A sleeveless yet heart filled boy, discarded and abandoned at love's first rest stop.  To give or not to give... thats meaning that I give to relationships. And the answer is I give... But recieving is a far distant possibility or chance. Less then a chance actually, more like a certainty that nothing will be recieved.  The question that is posed of why would someone ever show themselves openly to more then one person serves as a rhetorical emphasis on how my feelings are handled.  What if it takes this many people to amount to the emotion or effort put in by one such as myself.... how is it delt the pain from the realization that you will never be felt about the same way you feel about another.  How is it that casuality is the only answer to what it is I have to offer.  How is it that semi-emotionless love and dyer-contested lust is a mirror of the only feelings that are and will ever be expressed to me in any source of meainingful, tasteful emotion or concern of any sort thus equaling love or a feeling in the sort.

So analogizing a Tootsie Pop..... how many hits would it take to crack the center of whatever is left of the rusted and bared out blood pumping vessel that you might refer to as my heart.  How long until the definition of hollow thouroghly describes the emotionless limp spirit I have left.....I LOVE YOu too!! Until we speak again....
Current Mood: draineddrained

yey May. 19th, 2004 @ 12:38 pm
Different Situations

You See a girl at the YMCA. You’ve seen her here a couple of times before but you really paid it no mind. But you decide to talk to her. This has the highest potential to become a relationship. Over things such as meeting someone at the mall or a club. Someone in a convenient and comfortable setting that you wilkl be in the pressesnce of without actually asking them out on a date. You bothe appearing at the gym on the same day is just as coincidental as knowing thes stop at Subway after work and you just happening to be there. Because the gym isn’t a place that you will just start going to now because of them. This will make getting to know each other easier and less stressful. When you meet someone at the mall or in a club, you only have until one of you leave to make a connection and establish a way of possibly talking after that moment. So you are forced to rush things and can’t ease into a comfort zone. When on the other hand at the gym, the first day of approaching her you could give her a simple “Hello” as your passing by. This initiates conversation so it makes your presence known. So her first impression of you is left general and not defined. If she has a physical attraction to you this leaves her curious to see what your all about. It doesn’t force her to make a judgement or decision about you on the first day. Your only using a greeting will open the path way to the next time you two meet. Where maybe you’ll say “Hi” and she’ll respond with a “Hi, how are you doing?” Thus her iniciating conversation on her own will. This can also help establish a certain comfort level or friendship before you attempt to create an emotional bond.
The gm becomes a relationship start up tool and also a common interest between the two of you. It gives you an activity you both enjoy as well as a great conversational topic. It works the same with meeting people at similar places such as church, school, work, etc.
When you meet someone at a random place you sometimes have to strain for things to talk about. In this case you wouldn’t quite have to. Everything you need to talk about can have relevancy to the gym and you can still wind up having an interesting conversation. Just with simple things such as “How long have you been coming here?” “What are some of your usual excercises” maybe if your by the TV’s overhead the excersise machines you could say “So what do you like to watch or listen to while you work out?” You are provided with so many topics just based upon your surroundings alone.

Yet there are negatives to creating a relationship through this method. For one if your attempts fail or the relationship falls south you might be subjected to seeing a lot of this person depending how much each of you spend time at the particular place you meet at. So that could lead to awkward moments and conversations depending if the relationship crashes or she doesn’t feel attracted to you even as a friend.

May. 14th, 2004 @ 03:33 am
I've hid under,
a blanket of love for a while,
but now I'm before you,
I've tried to stall,
far into the night,
but you don't think I'll treat you right.

Excuse me I'm late to the party,
try to find where I fit in anywhere,
you try to get me,
to dislike you but hardly,
could I really hate you if I wanted to,
if you wanted me to.

I'll hang around for a while,
I'll stay just to make you smile,
but I'll have to leave,
when you're put in denial,
that you liked me,
so I'll leave for a while.

I don't know of too many,
well none of the things that I do,
that I know that can satisfy you.

You said your love was a,
dream that you built of me,
playing the part of the king,
now our horoscopes say we're not right,
that we'll never spend another night,
together cause you never,
really liked me......

May. 14th, 2004 @ 03:13 am
Someone call this love soon,
before its winter time,
someone belives it's afternoon,
when my minutes are still stuck on day time,
maybe I've come this far,
to say goodbye to you,
but I'd rather assume,
that the sum of our hearts equals one is true.

Please tell the mistletoe,
it's loosing its touch,
i've walked under it so much,
it stays over my head,
replacing the love that was once there instead.

Moving Out May. 14th, 2004 @ 12:17 am
All these loves of,
people unknow,
start to penetrate me,
slowly falling,
in and out,
all conciquently.

I've been standing here to long,
I'm moving on,
I've caused to much harm,
I'm moving on,
don't look at what we had,
we're here and it's over, I'm gone,
I'm moving on.

And I'm moving slower,
then your words,
cause your holding on so tight it hurts,
you used to say you'd do anything so it works,
but I'm working on moving out,
you won't have to stay for deserts.
Other entries
» Lying to You
Today I finally overcame,
found out that love would not come back again,
finally I would stop this trying,
no sense, its not working,
its non sense, just stop denying..
that love would come and open my eyes,
I'm finally back to life,
you showed love wont be with me next time,
I go outside,
oh now that love's a lie......
» Soon
I'm so far sunken in,
over my head, love has been,
two feet deep in a six inch pool..

The tides will turn soon enough,
thats to say if love isn't already enough,
I haven't even missed you yet,
I don't even have my feet set,
im off balence tilting in,
towards the shore line,
in the sand im sinking in,
under the clouds I'm thinking in,
cloud 9's not high enough....

These keys,
paint my masterpiece,
they sign away my name,
they jot down the truth so they're to blame,
for what ever comes out,
what these poems are about,
if it breaks your heart charge them the fee,
but if you fall in love.... its cause of me.
» Other Side
Twice upon a time,
when you liked me,
and I thought we would stay,
forever happily,
I finally woke up on the right side of the bed,
I finally pulled the covers off of my head.
» Blonde eyes 2
After the first time I saw you I hesitated,
thought it was love at first site but I still waited,
I thought my imagination was playing tricks on me,
this girl was beautiful it was too plain to see,
I looked her from head to toe,
the two little circles on her face seemed to glow,
something about the way she looked at me,
an angel disguised as this blonde eyed girl it must be,
as she blinked and opened her eyes,
the world disappeared and it was me and her,
I was lost inside her eyes,
and everything became a blur,
why is he torturing me giving her eyes made in heaven,
it seems when I look in her eyes we were meant to be,
I wish I could look into her eyes and last forever,
I would fall into her arms, and hold her for eternity,
and please don't look at me,
without expecting me to see,
that underneath that gorgeous body,
lies even more beauty.
» Between what?
Stuck in between love and a hard place,
confused between beauty and your face,
stuck in my body yet so out of place,
guess its just something alone I have to face.
» Portable
Love not going anywhere,
fold me up,
take me out,
im portable,
well loves here,
it can have anything it wants,
anything it wants at all,
and its here,
just posted on the wall,
looking for it all,
its portable..........

So if I knew anywhere at all,
to find love I'd shop there,
till I break down,
till I fall out,
till my reciepts know the cost of love,
and realize its too high,
5.99 is way to high,
to be desguised,
in the bin marked everything for .99..........

I see,
I know,
I can't,
wait to find you,
I've emptied,
my heart,
just to get in touch with you,
it's overpowering,
common sense,
telling me what I'm supposed to do.

I knew,
better then,
to pretend,
that "love" is found in a day,
and I found,
its possible,
to find a needle in stacks of hay,
but now that,
I found you......

Its been hard to sleep at night,
its been hard to see day light,
to know I'm waking up,
without the site of you.....
it something I can't continue to do....
» Loose my way with words
If only love was as simple as the words we seem to say,
if only love was as far as a few doors away,
then maybe,
just maybe you'd be sure to stay.

If I only knew you better,
I'd know better then to talk to you,
I'd know better then to keep calling you,
I'd know better then love soon,
but it seems,
that it seems,
that the seams in our life are tearing,
they are bearing,
too much..............pressure,
am I putting under too much pressure.
» Ashley
Welcome to my world,
population one,
love stories none,
wanna come?

Wanna join,
wanna be,
something like in the life,
or at least a part of me,
anything that could be,
a possibility,
the potential for change,
the potential for you and me........
» The Library
Sometimes the best story is the one you haven't read yet. Living life in something like a book store. And you have a library of life that your not even a foot deep in. Its like searching the catalog for romance novels when your still stuck in the childrens section. Not realizing the best book for you might be in sci-fi. But covers are deciving and you go with what you see. Forgetting a cover does not determine the books worth.
» Knowing me
The problem with living me is, not growing up having no idea what I want to be. But growing up knowing exactally what I want to be and not knowing how to get there. Its like reading a book from end page to table of contents. You know how it ends but the real suspense comes from seeing how the character got there.
» Find myself
When I was going down the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. I wish, I wish he'd go away.
» (No Subject)
Now you know I don't usually do this
But you lookin good tonight
And you know I don't usually do this
But you gon smoke tonight
And you know I don't usually do this
But you gon drink tonight
And you know I don't usually do this
But you gon fuck tonight

Now.. Who's hot? Who's not?
I can take the few shots you've got
I can burn a few knots you've got
I can blow the few spots you've got
But, I chill, I will
Get it to poppin whenever I feel
I still shut it down
And I white and yellow stud it down
Watch them pretty girls strut it 'round
Take the birdies and putt it down
Like Tiger Woods did it, but I'm hood with it
You've never seen a thug look as good with it
And I promise that
Fuck with me, you better move where Osama's at
You see I'm in here with the white ones on
Tryin to get fucked up 'for the lights come on........
» (No Subject)
I know I make u wanna leave the one you with,
You shouldn't have even brought her my direction,
Unless she was handcuffed with an order of protection,
Im talkin wreckless now,
Cause im the reason that your girlfriends are your ex's now...

Im the fella that keep em yellin, and its nuttin to get em,
I don't sweat em', its what I tell em',
And they quickly forget em',
And I bet em' I get them to forget the day that they met em'
And I let em', cause I can spend em'
And its more then the denim.........

Any girl I gave it to..
Cant even go love another man,
I give it to em' like no other brother can,
She say my man can barely move me,
but boy u make me scream, like a scary movie,
On top of that,
Im smoother then the rest of the gangsters,
And I knew that dude you met, was a wanksta......

It's a shame, you lames
Can't even maintain your Dames,
And its insane the way, that she gave me brains
my pimp games insane, don't forget the name,
Shorty don't try to fake it,
Just up and face it,
Your time is being wasted, your mans a basic
See it all in his face, that he's cheap and tasteless,
But life is what you make it........

I bet your man cant do it like me,
His veins don't pump pimp fluid like me,
He's nowhere near or like me,
And he probably think keeping you in check,
Is buying you a pair of Nike's .....
» wrong
See ma, I think you took it
I think you took it wrong like
You got it misunderstood or something
You got it confused

"I’m thinking about the one night we just spent together"
I mean, when was this ma
"That I’d cherish the love I thought would last forever"
I never said that, I never said forever
"Call me"
Na, I don’t do this. You already knew this, ma we been thru this

Girl, that was a one night fling
You was turned on by the moonshine and the sunlight bling
You kept licking your tongue at me knowing how quick that this young’n be
To pull out his dick from his dungarees

At the same time she jerking and wiggling
Smirking and giggling
Cuz I’m like dirt when I’m digging in
The way she working I'm figuring
She must have be a gymnast
Cuz the positions wasn’t hurting her ligaments
Ma I know you got centerfold measurement features
But after I nut, it was a pleasure to meet ya
Get ya under and outta where
You aint gotta go home but you gotta get outta here
So write your number on this paper
I might wanna scrape ya
Next year sometime I'm bored

Before I didn’t care if she where I be
But now I mean it be scaring me
To get yearly therapy
She said her heart broken, it caused her to start smoking
And the hours thinking, making her keep drinking ......
» just wanna
You can hum all you want to
Cum all you want to
But I ain't gon' want you
If nobody wants you
skip the bullshit, you fuckin' tonight?
I got some dro, got some henny
We can go and get right
I ain't never been arrested for nothing domestic
But I ain't gon' lie I'll punch a bitch in the eye
Look, don't play games with me baby
The temptation, the wait, is driving me crazy
Come on give me some ass girl... WHAT UP!
I don't wanna make love
I just wanna fuck...........
» It's just me against the world.. and the world is winning
I be telling bitches what they wanna hear......

I wanna be the reason you smile after you wipe ya tears
The reason you have the courage to confront ya fears
The reason there's two karats in each of ya ears
I splurge with the paper ma, I don't care
How you like it, pumps or boots, jeeps or coops
Minks or leathers, I fall off never
Whats mine is yours and whats yours is mine
So when I shine, you shine..........
» (No Subject)
You get lonely sometimes,
and you start thinking,
you know what maybe ill call her up and tell her I'm sorry,
Then you go wait a minute,
that's her job.
You know waht i mean,
when your so lonely,
your like "it wasnt that bad,
ill just call and take the blame"
and maybe you'll get something out of it.

I dont trust anybody whos a landscaper,
wears a bow-tie,
or does the handless hair flip,
they're lying to you.

We'll all be sleeping together tonight at the same time,
at one point we would have all slep together,
I enjoy semantics,
took a class in semantics once,
actually it was more of a lecture.....
took a class in semantics,
actually it was more of a course,
that was the rough draft, that was the final.

I had a period of time after we won state,
where i wasnt sure i ever dreamed past the first championship,
whatever you want to be in your life,
you never dream about the second one,
just an interesting course of events that took place,
in my mind really,
and where I've arrived now,
just an interesting calm.
» What is?
Courage isnt the absence of fear,
but the presense of fear but the will to go on....
» Jesus Walks

» So What.....
I grew up in a wild hood as a hazardous youth,
with a fucked up childhood that I use as an excuse.....
Probably think that im a negative person,
dont be so sure of it,
I dont promote violence,
I just encourage it....
» im sorry
I tried everything,
but you won't talk to me,
it's all going unaccording to plan,
to think I'm wasting my time,
trying to make it up to you,
I appoligized, I was wrong.

And now we're so far from making it,
I'm so far from making it perfect,
my loves never gunna be good enough for you,
at first you said you were alright,
but now you act strangly.

Now again we fall,
relationships go up and come down,
I'm sorry your heart I hurt it,
now this is our fate,
there's not turning back,
I'm sorry your heart I hurt it.

Close my eyes trying to think,
about the fun and good times,
when we loved like our days left are zero,
from happy days and shopping sprees,
with no problems in the way,
the only one was the line in the store.

Nothing seems to go the way that we said,
and nothing will bring you home and back to bed,
why my stupid mouth,
I can't believe I'm done with you,
but you don't understand.
» How Big? I Wear a size 17 shoe!
by supanic
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

» bye
Almost dead........... in my mind........ and more
» cont.....

:x: Number of times you have been in love: Fuck love
:x: Number of times you have had your heart broken: 10000000000000000000000000000000000000 and counting
:x: Number of times I have broken someone's heart: never have time, they're always breaking mine
:x: Number of girls I have kissed: cant count
:x: Number of boys " ": 0
:x: Number of Drugs taken illegaly: 0
:x: Number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: no one
:x: Number of people I consider my enemies: Everyone whos not me
:x: Number of scars on my body: Mine are more internal
:x: Number of things I regret in my past: Being born


:x: First Screen Name: DJATKING
:x: First Piercing/Tattoo: none
:x: First Credit Card: none
:x: First True Love: poetry and music
:x: First Enemy: you
:x: First Concert: taproot
:x: First Musician You remember Hearing In Your House: Michael Jackson

:x: Want to get married: yes
:x: Get motion sickness: no
:x: Think your a health freak: no
:x: Get along with your parents: mom about 30% dad about 0%
:x: Like thunderstorms: whatever



:x: Long car ride: Drive to Atlanta
:x: Last Kiss: A picture of myself feeling like i want to die
:x: Library Book: none
:x: Movie seen: LOTR 3
:x: " " in the theater: Kill Bill 2
:x: Food Consumed: gummy bears
:x: Phone Call: some slut
:x: Last annoyance: every fucking person i know
:x: Last Soda Drank: pepsi
:x: Ice Cream eaten: vanilla
:x: Last time scolded: a minute ago
:x: Last Web Site Visited: www.fuckeveryoneIdontreallycareaboutshitanymoreandIwanttodie.com
» love
I met this girl one time on AOL. I was kind of a jerk cause I looked up people who lived close to me, just in case I fell in love with one I wouldn't have to travel so far. But that’s what you should do when you’re looking for love in all the wrong places. So you know how far that wrong place would be.

But I assure you the extra time it takes to type that instant message and send it is breeding ground for some pretty witty stuff. I wish all of life was like that. You would never walk away from someone figuring out the perfect comeback. You could just keep editing, cutting, and pasting.

Cause sometimes you have it all going on in the relationship except the label and people feel like if you don't call it something you don't have to really worry about it being that way. Sometimes you have people doing managers jobs without manager in their job description but they're still the manager.

Yesterday morning I did some spring-cleaning with my cell phone. You know how your looking through your phone book on your phone and its like "I know them, I don't know them, they suck.." And you get to a name you don’t remember and your like "Who the hell is Greg with 3 G's. How did I meet him?" So I went to the phone store, cause I want to know when the phone rings that it’s someone I'm cool with. Cause sometimes you tell someone to never call again and the phone rings and you hope it's them. And it's the most twisted logic of all time. I'm really not that jaded.....

But lifes all about talking to the person that you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling in the hay with someone else..... but they're not as good as you'll be. You just gotta wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there just learning what to contrast you against! :)
» Fuck... Am I allowed to say that on here
:x: Full Name: Drew Anthony Jackson
:x: Piercings: None
:x: Tattoos: None
:x: Height: 6'5185
:x: Show Size: 16 or 17
:x: Hair Colour: brown.
:x: Length of Hair: short

:x: Movie Rented: I download
:x: Movie Bought: Fiddler on the Roof: for my mom
:x: Song Listened To: Linkin Park - Numb
:x: Song Stuck In My Head: Noreaga "I wanna fuck you"
:x: CD I bought: I download
:x: CD Listened To: John Mayer
:x: Person I've Called: College Coach
:x: Person That's Called Me: Mom
:x: TV Show watched: Simpsons
:x: Person I was thinking of: Ash

:x: Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: no
:x: Do you have a crush on someone: yes
:x: Do you wish you could live somewhere else: yes
:x: Do you think about suicide:
I don't get confronted abusing other's minds through control,
I don't want it to last so here I go,
I'm on my way,
I'm leaving for good,
I pray that you forgive me for all the harm that I caused,
Cuz we were friends and we had some great times,
And that's why I'm just fine

:x: Do you believe in Online Dating: sure
:x: Do others find you attractive? Sure
:x: Do you want more piercings? no
:x: Do you drink: no.
:x: Do you do drugs? no.
:x: Do you smoke? no.
:x: Do you like cleaning? Yea
:x: Do you like roller coasters: yes
:x: Do you write in cursive or print? Type
:x: Do you carry a donor card: nope


:x: Long distance realtionships: Go for it
:x: Using someone: I have no honor of self, go for it
:x: Killing people: Depends on your situation
:x: Teenage smoking: I dont do it, do you?
:x: Premaritial Sex: For IT TOTALLY!
:x: Driving drunk: Naw
:x: Gay/Lesbian relationships: Im totally for it


:x: Food: Gummy Bears
:x: Song: of the moment: Taproot - Again and Again
:x: Thing to do: play softball with amanda
:x: Thing to talk about: Basketabll
:x: Sports: Basketball, soccer, track
:x: Drinks: Kool-Aid
:x: Clothes: Adidas
:x: Movie: House of 1000 Corpses
:x: Bands/Singers/Musicians: I could never pick one.... well John Mayer
:x: Holiday: Just another day
:x: Disney Movie: Dont know
:x: Scent: Roses really smell like boo boo boo
:x: Word: Nasital
:x: Nickname: Doug Christe, or Teshawn
:x: Eye colour: brown
:x: Flower: Roses really smell like boo boo boo
:x: Actress: ?
:x: Actor: Denzel and Morgan Freeman
:x: Number: 17
:x: Colour: blue
:x: Day: Yesterday
:x: Month: Any month where I dont feel like I do everyday.


:x: Ever cried over a boy: umm a older boy, sure, like a man... dad
:x: Ever lied to someone: yes, everyday
:x: Ever been in a fist fight: alot
:x: Ever been arrested: naw
» paper
Alex Jackson
Hour: 10-10

The Ibo Culture

The Ibo culture is located in Nigeria, Africa. There are three main

groups of people: the Yorubas, the Hausas, and the Ibos. The Ibos are a very

different group of people. They wear little or nothing until they reach

puberty. If they do wear cloths they wear cloths or wraps. The Ibo’s

language is commonly found language in West Africa, the Kwa Languages.

It’s not really talking or speaking, it’s pitch and vocal inflections.

The Ibo villages consist of a couple hundred to a couple thousand

people. There is not just one ruler that makes the decisions in these Ibo

villages. They have councils of people elders (a groups based on age), a

council of chiefs, women’s associations, and secret societies who vote and help

decide for the villages.

The Ibo people are a very religious group of people. They believe in

many gods and also in reincarnation. There are three levels of gods: the

highest level is the supreme god, or Chukwu. Underneath Chukwu are lesser

gods, called Umuagbara, and under those are the Ndi Ichie, the spirits of dead

people. Each village has priests and priestesses. Their job is to help in all

spiritual matters, conducting ceremonies and rituals. They also believe that

everything in life is controlled by higher powers.
» This is a shade for the color blind, this is an IOU.....
I gotta be the most insecure person in the world. I dont think im going to get far being this way. But hey I guess it comes with the past, when your 3 g/f's cheat on you and you walk in on one of them fawking someone else? Waht can I say. It's kinda hard not to be me. I'm sooo soooo sooo...... well lets just say I'm way to trusting. So sometimes I try to catch myself before I slip and fall. Cause every one in my life fawks me over or deserts me. Thats just how life is. So yeah, i have to deal with it. And everyone says "I'll never do that, or im not like that" I got two words for you.......... "PROVE IT" I tell people that and still I don't see anythign. Then they say "well how am i supposed to prove it. Now if I told them that, that would defeat the whole purpose of telling them to prove it.

So I was wrong....... maybe I was right........yeah i trust you......... but I don't trust myself. I've caught my ex's not exactally cheating on me but I had some proof, and I just disregarded it cause they laughed it off saying its just a joke or they were just playing with someone.

Hmm another thing.... Its the same thing with me and colleges. Like I got a bunch of offers, but if they dont follow up on it or don't show any interest I feel un wanted or unspecial and I dont want to go there. Same with girls. If it feels to me they don't put a lot into something, and especially if I see them showing more to people or the only people I know they know, i dont know. I jsut get down. But I get over anger really easy, Im actually not mad. I just get mad for a quick second, then it wears off. Cause I'm used to it. Its like if you stub your toe on the floor every morning when you get out of bed, after the first couple of weeks you'll get used to it and it will only hurt for a second.

So I guess this hurt is more like a forever type of thing. But when worst comes to worst im still at the bottem of the coffee pot and theres nothing I can do about it. I lost and/or am loosing something good I think....... and I'm a dumby for being me. Ask me where I'm going to college. And if you knew the reasons why...... you'd understand.

So 1 fish 2 fish red fish blue fish,
If you love me prove it,
cause after all the fish in the sea,
I only want to be with the "YOU" fish.
» Back to You
Over you,
I'm never over,
over you,
its something about you,
its jsut the way you move,
the way you move me.

Im so good at forgeting,
and I'll quit every game I play
but forgive me love,
I can't turn and walk away.

Back to you,
it always comes around,
back to you,
I walk in you shadow.
sleeping in my head,
and I've not met you yet.

Leave the light on,
I'll never give up on you,
leave the light on,
for me too..........
for me too...................
for me too...........................
» I hate Star Trek
Captains Log: Being this of April 28, 2004, I am currently reporting a serious breech in the interior system. Sever damage to ones heart. How did this happen? All systems were a go. All stations were up and running at full capacity.

Captains Log: Breech Occured on this day of April 28th at 9:01am. Curiosity killed the cat.... And it also killed this love.

Captains Log: 2004-04-26. Thats the date. Its not from me oh no not from me. I guess its a journal post. One day. If you have a journal post on this day, check it, and see if it would have to do with me. This is if you know me. But maybe its not YOUR journal post, maybe you just commented on someones page, on 2004-04-26. Why did I look? I shouldn't have! I knew what I was getting myself into. So if you know my just go ahead and check. Cause who knows, it might be on your page, or a page you posted on. I didn't think stuff would work out this way. MAybe its just a joke. Maybe im just a joke. But as you see in the screen name "Jokesonme".

"Just want to be liked,
just want to be funny,
looks like the Jokesonme
so call me captain backfire."

A broom is dribbily sweeping,
broken pieces of my love life,
Somewhere a queen is wheeping,
somewhere a king has no wife.
» Someday I'll be, so damn much more....
I came by to get my things
Thank you for getting the door
But I don't feel right walking in no more

You think it's cold
I did my crying at home
And I'm numb now,
I'm numb now

Before I'm on my way
I've one more thing to ask,
Was it worth the price you paid
For my never coming back?

Why did you mess with forever?
Such a long time
To be unkind

Don't you call me cruel
Cruel is what you're making me do
I stick to my rules
I'm at odds with me now
So stay, go, go ahead and stay

Tell the tiny chemicals
The ones you hold responsible
They lost me
You lost me
Now everything inside me tells me I should run to you
And throw my arms around you
Hold your streaming crying cheek against my own
And tell you nothing's wrong

But a wrong is what you were when you forgot
That we were going on.
» I worry
I worry,
I'm wasting time its my body,
I worry,
I throw weight around,
from this moment,
I wont look at you the same,
the cloud have spoken,
and only showers now remain :(
» It watches everything.....
Have you ever felt like there was like one more thing for you in your life. Like one more time, one more problem, one more anything and then you're gone, and then you snap, and then it's all over. And then you die. What is life. I see no meaning, to many problems is all. We always live for the next day, when really we are never promised a next day. Always saving, always helping, make the enviroment better for tomorrow, make the earth better for the future, invest in the future, how about we invest in now. Wasting all your life away for tomorrow. stupid to me.

Stupid is me though so oh well.
» So I cry alone......
Whats better then life? Death! You betcha! It fits in right around there........

I have a head ache.... I feel sick.... And I'm hungry. Hmmm.... get this repetative ass journal out of here! Every entry I post i sthe same....... the same whinning. Loneliness strucken victum of my own circumstances.

Well doesn't matter, I'll write any ways. I can't wait till college I guess. I dont know. I guess I'm the type of person who needs to be accepted, who needs to feel appriciated. Well sort of. Its like..... why do i put so much effort and thought and care into stuff when other people don't. And like I actually try to act upson what i say and how I feel. Everyone else jsut says and writes stuff and makes these scure promises and crap and doesnt follow on them. It's been a long time since I had someone liek that. Someone honest, someone faithful or something. Someone who actually cared.

I miss those times.
» Well
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb,
so much to do so much to see,
whats wrong with taking the back streets....
» You bet.
Don't speak,
I know just what your saying,
so please stop explaining,
don't tell me cause it hurts,
Don't speak,
I know what your thinking
and I dont need your reasons,
Don't tell me cause it hurts...

You and me,
I can see us dying,
aren't we.....

I took their smiles and I made them mine.
I, I sold my soul just to hide the light.
And now I see what I really am,
A thief a whore, and a liar.
» 3rd Verse
The friendships came to far to recognize,
the feelings burning in her eyes,
and how she keeps me mesmorized,
she see's my playful advancements as a game,
pretending it's just the same,
but I've had a change of heart.

A love has taken over me,
she laughed, I cried,
from feelings of before,
don't loose a love that could come from me,
move in my heart,
don't want to say goodbye anymore.

I tried so hard to keep my lips shut tight,
but it gets harder every night,
temptation growing in my eyes,
kept ignoring these feelings like it was just a game,
pretending that I feel the same,
when love is really her first name.

Lets look for better things,
throw out these friendship rings,
and if it doesn't work it's alright,
we're already attached by the hips,
why not by relationships,
but I'm going for you,
cause I know it's what love would want me to do
» I’ll Say Hi / I’ll Say Bye
I started conversation didn’t know who you were,
I looked into your eyes and I could see that we were,
One of a kind or two of a pair,
I thought we were good,
I thought we were great,
I thought we were where,
Friends met to collaborate and share talk,
Where friends met to celebrate us and take a walk,
Down memory lane every once in a while,
But now you won’t talk,
And I’m left here with a dumb smile.

I’ll say hi when I see you,
I’ll travel anywhere just to meet you,
I can see the look in your eyes and that stare,
I wonder if a friends still in there.

So I write rhymes I write poems and don’t leave you alone,
I stay up when you’re down to bring you along,
If you were lost and I found you I’ll bring you home,
I’m just trying to make my name in your head well known,
Cause every time I see you I say hi,
From the hall to the Internet I won’t let you pass me by,
Without a hug, greeting, or farewell,
It seems to me like you just can’t tell that,

I’ll say hi when I see you,
I’ll travel anywhere just to meet you,
I can see the look in your eyes and that stare,
I wonder if a friends still in there….
So now I won’t talk and I wont come to meet you,
I don’t think we’ll talk cause I wont come to greet you,
I guess I can never take you there,
Cause without my pressure I’m pretty sure you don’t care.

So I’ll stop talking, stop writing, stop seeing you,
I’ll make the titles of my poems stop being you,
I’ll make it so my tongue doesn’t mention your name,
And I know you have no problem doing the same,
So I’m sitting right next to you,
And you still do the things you used to do,
But I’ve showed the world my heart and such,
And someday, one day, you’ll feel its touch.
» I am the cure
I hate people........ no let me rephrase it, I hate when people say "I don't like Hip Hop or I don't like boys who act ghetto or use slang” and stuff like that. For the people who don’t like it……… most don’t understand it. Understand the language, understand where it comes from. To truly understand something you have to have lived through it, felt the pain and agony, went through the struggles. I for one can not judge or proclaim to embellish the life in Iran or the bringing up of a Jewish child. Hip Hop is the music of self, the music of culture the music of soul. Hip Hop is a way to subdue the negative into rhythm. In to melody, into beats, the beating drum symbolizing the beating hearts of many Africans that died in the process of us being here today. You must listen to the message before you disregard the sound. Find the hidden meanings, listen beneath the words. You hear things…. You think about the obvious message you think its sending. You observe that violence, sex, and drugs become a heavily treaded topic in hip hop music. But stopping to think of how many of our black children have had to grow up in these situations. In these surroundings. You can only be as much as your forced to see. If you lived in a room of pink for the first 12 years of your life, all you would know if the color pink. You could then step into a room of red but your thought mentality would be pink.
The other half of the people like the music, but don’t understand it. You sing the songs in your room, you play the CD in your car, but you don’t understand it. You understand the lyrics but you don’t understand the words. Its fun for you in song, but when you meet someone with that attitude or lifestyle you are repelled. You see it as being uncivilized. You see it as unfit for society, yet it is ok to be made fun of in a song. You are only putting ridicule into the struggle of that lifestyle. You take advantage of it and use it for your enjoyment.
I am one of the many exceptions in this process. I have been the same places you have. Seen the same things you have. Black America I mean. I am you, although I am not. I have adapted to my society and environment. I have became a chameleon in this work of prejudice and negativity. Just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the same hard ships you have. My roots are just as strong as yours.
They say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. Camouflage. Life becomes that everyday Halloween. You put on a mask to receive the worlds many tricks and treats. And the people at the door, some noticing and some not noticing its you feeds your hunger. But you remain the same person under that mask. Nothing changes. Selling out? I haven’t sold out. Have you? I know where I came from and I know who I am. I probably know more about my one half of my culture then most others do. As long as you know where your coming from you can be sure you will know where you’re headed. You think someone is selling out because they might be trying to better themselves. Just because their grammar might be a little more refined or they might have more poise in the walk and more strength in their posture does that make them any less of who you “think they should be”. Do all black people look alike? Do all black people speak with poor English? Do all black people cause trouble and participate in violence? No you say? They why when someone try’s to break the everyday stereotism you pull them right back in. Because they are not black enough if they don’t follow the strict guidelines of stereotyping. Holding down your own people is just adding to the negative ness and downward movement that our ancestors have worked so hard to bypass.

For anyone out there that has made it out, who has got themselves into the clear and into a more productive lifestyle then most of us are proclaimed to have, and you say you really care about yourself and “our” people. Then it is your responsibility to share your success and knowledge and help educate the people around you. People look at our youth now days and say that we have no sense of respect. And in a lot of cases we don’t. You can’t be educated about becoming a better person or leading a better life by someone who is not doing so themselves. So until we learn and receive this knowledge we will continue to be a product of our environment. Because that’s all we know. Everyone loves to discuss “what people should and shouldn’t be doing” but until we become a part of the solution we are only a part of the problem.

We must not play follow the leader. We must set our own standards and set them much higher then everyone else’s and become a product of success. A product of our accomplishments. A product of our history. Show how far we have come. Show the world that is wasn’t all for nothing. Show the world that you can make a difference, every second of every minute of every day of your life.
Every nirvanahimckyblack on black crime, every student that drops out of high school, for every crack head on the street, you are killing one of your ancestors. You are putting them in their grave, and marking them unexsistant. That their life was for nothing, that their death was for nothing. I may not be a perfect example, I may not be in school every day, I may not do all my homework, I may not study for all my tests, but I’m still here, still in school. And I am going to college, I am destined to make something of myself. Those who are listening, take advantage of what you have now. Don’t aim to be like me, aim to be better. The fight for our school systems alone was a constant up hill battle. Equal rights, equal education, good supplies, unsegregated school systems. Equal opportunity for each and everyone of us. If we only knew the struggle. If we only knew how many people suffered and died for us to be here learning. And for us not only to grasp this chance, but for us to leap past the heavens at this golden opportunity that is so carefully layed infront of us. For a chance to better ourselves. You cannot talk about change if you are not helping change things. You have no right to complain about the government or presidency if you didn’t vote. You have no right to argue about fair employment if you didn’t put the effort in to getting a job. You don’t have the right to complain why your peanut butter and jelly sandwich only has jelly when you didn’t do your part and buy the peanut butter………
» more...........
Use me,
but you don't want to know me,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
Sometimes I would give anything to be something more,
something more then nothing.........

I am seeing tunnel vision in a world thats dark and cold,
I cannot believe how much I've changed since the days of old,
I know it's temporary but I need to focus straight,
I cannot believe I lost control of my fate,

I hate myself sometimes,
I love myself,
I need this way of life because it holds me.
If contradictions the way of life, happiness is wealthyness is healthy

now I've made it through those lies and deceit,
I think whats done is done and I can't complain anymore i am sure,
now that I've found myself again it feels great
I can't believe I'd lost control of my fate.

I need forgiveness from the people I truely care about,
I need support behind my back to help me spit it out
I am gonna win,
I can't afford to blow this one...
» Find A Love
Looking through my yearbook trying to find,
The love of my life,
I'll know it,
When I see you,
I've been missing out on weekends,
Getaways and holidays,
But when I find you all this lonliness will be pushed away.

Till I find her I'll be sitting in my bed room,
Writing a poem trying to find,
A love that's,
Unseen to me,
Declared in my independence,
Singleness and open heart,
A perfect love is soon to greet me.

I know what its like to be alone,
And you don't want to get here
So many days hiding from being alone,
I wish my ride would get here,
Get here.

I wish I would have said hi,
Maybe introduced myself and got to know,
What could have,
Been perfect,
Maybe if I just would have called back,
Waved back or opened my eyes at all.......
» Whats Love I Like
This has all been played out,
This tired old cliché,
That seems to never change,
But things seem to never change.

I know,
I'm that things will never be whole again,
That we will always have that aqward silence when we speak,
Knowing words aren't enough to say,
I Love You.

There aren't words between love and like,
None that I've seen,
And I can't choose from one or the other,
Follow me and see what I mean.

We can pretend,
Fabalize and make believe,
That a love written to be recited,
Has phantomly been oversiezed,
And there's no wasting time,
That love will last forever,
And this joke will all be mine,
But this love won't,
And it won't,
Cause it can't,
It just can't,
Its not supposed to.

There aren't words between love and like,
None that I've seen,
And I can't choose from one or the other,
Follow me and see what I mean.
» The Wind Cries.....
I'm trying to look for the ending,
First I'll find a beginning,
Still looking up at the score,
To see who's barely winning,
And I thought that love was enough,
But in time I found a lie,
That an orange will never be an apple,
No matter how hard you try.

And this is the way that the wind blows,
This is the color of noon,
To open your eyes,
And try to replace the feelings,
Would be changing the wind,
And the wind isn't going anywhere,

So the wind gathers bits and pieces of where its been,
Just to remember the past,
It's seen heart breaks and tragedies,
Prince's and majesties,
But compared to this it hasn't found a love to match.

I know the wind blows,
That's the way the story goes,
I know the wind blows,
That's the way the story goes,
That's just blowing to pick up dirt,
Whatever happened to my,
Whatever happened to my,
Whatever happened to love,
There came a day when it got,
Blown away,
Why don't you think I should have had some say,
In that decision.

As the wind blows,
As the wind blows..

And this is the way that the wind blows,
This is the color of noon,
To open your eyes,
And try to replace the feelings,
Would be changing the wind,
And the wind isn't going anywhere,
» The Point
Somehow I’ve been missing,
And I don’t know what I’m hitting……

Missing the point of the sentence,
When you see “love” inside,
Too strong, how could I feel this way,
But words just can’t seem to hide,
My feelings on these keys,
And the heartbreak, Hanging down the hall,
So tell me I can be,
But I’ve found that a moment isn’t wrong at all.

Love can be sad when it’s boring,
I can’t take back what I said,
Don’t believe me,
I’m not wrong here,
Like is gone here,
It’s went on to bed,
Now love’s here instead.

What flowers cannot fix,
I’m hoping that my words forgive,
There’s no excuse for this,
It started with true emotions and that’s what I’ll finish with.

Love can be sad when it’s boring,
I can’t take back what I said,
Don’t believe me,
I’m not wrong here,
Like is gone here,
It’s went on to bed,
Now love’s here instead.

So you can be mad when I send this,
I can’t take back what I said,
So what your 28.6 degrees above lovely baby,
So I’m calling this love instead.
» Old poem I found about a old love
The first day I went to meet her I met you,
From the moment I saw I already knew,
You weren’t even 16 but it felt so right,
I decided to write you a poem, that very night.

Day two came fast and oh how sweet,
That me and your friend talking would lead us to meet,
Now its time to leave but it felt so right,
Maybe next time we’ll share a kiss, goodnight.

Since we met your face has stayed with me,
Its everywhere I go, its everything I see,
Now I catch myself sitting passing time by,
By thinking of you and if I’ll talk to you, tonight.

I like that look in your eyes,
Last night it didn’t feel like goodbye,
I know that I’ll see you soon,
Someway, somehow.

Looking at my phone for the time,
Hoping that 10:30 would not rise,
I didn’t want to take her home and leave you,
Not here not now.
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